A fight is an argument! To argue means to exchange or express diverging or opposite views, typically in a heated or angry way.
Therefore, couples take a moment to read through these 7 tips together so that your fighting is with guidance as you remember your core covenantal foundation: commitment, trust, and friendship.
Hence, “I am here for you and I want the best for you.”
#1: Each of you, turn inward and ask yourself the reason you feel upset.
Before you start an argument, do the investigative work of your own heart. Examine yourself. Ask yourself a few good questions. “Am I angry because my partner left the ketchup on the counter? Or, am I upset because I feel like I’m doing more than my share of the housework, and this is just one more piece of evidence?”
#2: Instead of piling up issues to discuss, try tackling one issue at a time.
Why do you bring up multiple challenges to be resolved? I want you to have the picture of you stacking 100 pound weights on your partner. Think about it this way, who will do the heavy lifting to remove them off of your partner when you pile them on. So, what happens when an argument starts to get off topic? Now the problems are truly one sided and it’s too much for one person to handle.
#3: Degrading language tears away at the fabric of your spouse.
Here’s a tip: discuss the issue, not the person. When you put-down, curse at, or call your spouse names, think of how degrading that is to the character of the person that you have promised to love and cherish. Truly, it’s a dishonor to yourself, your spouse, and the relationship. Note: “Degrading language is an attempt to express negative feelings while making sure your partner feels just as bad.” What will be the natural end of this? More of the same character attacks while the original issue is forgotten.
#4: Express your feelings with feeling words and take responsibility for them.
“I feel angry (mad, sad, ashamed, etc).” “I feel hurt when you ignore my calls.” “I feel scared when you yell.” These are great ways to start expressing how you feel. As research shows, starting with “I” is a good technique to help you take responsibility for your feelings.
#5: Pass the bottle or another way to say it, take turns when you are talking.
With so much that you want to say to one another, this can be tough. And, this can slow you down to remain present in the moment. Therefore, be careful not to interrupt. If this rule is difficult to follow, some experts suggest that you could try setting a timer allowing 1 minute for each person to speak without interruption.
#6: Put a limit on distancing.
When tensions become high, you may desire to respond to an argument by retreating and refusing to speak. Stonewalling (the refusal to communicate) is the highest predictor that the moment of separation will grow. This is different from expressing to your partner that you need time to cool off. “If an argument starts to become personal or heated, take a time-out.” Respect that desire while agreeing to come back to process more after you’ve had time to cool down. This is truly important since distancing may make you feel better temporarily, but the original issue will remain unresolved.
#7: Attempt to come to a compromise or an understanding.
Arguments are not perfect and sometimes there is no clear answer for the reason it happens. However, with genuine care and concern, there can be compromise and connection over the vision you want to see in your relationship towards maximum flourishing. Soothe negative feelings with understanding. This will help you become better at repairing.
Remargo Yancie, LPC is a licensed therapist, a mental health and relationship counselor. He founded Central Light Counseling to provide quality psychotherapy and care. He has the privilege of working with leaders, influencers, and couples in their developments and journeys in life.