Ok. Let’s be honest.
Once the bubble has burst during engagement or within the first two years of marriage, frustrations set in. Most partners try really hard not to become angry and annoyed with their significant other. After bargaining with oneself for quite some time, the damn cracks and cracks until the built up pressure comes out. Little microaggressions stream through smiles of contempt and you let your spouse have it. Some people even say, “I’ve had enough!” What is described here is a normal part of marriage. Yes, couples desire that the fondness aura remains, but reality is like gravity. It brings you down to deal with all parts of marriage, including anger.
It’s not enough to say, “I am just an angry person” as if it’s a personality trait or a legit character quality. It’s not. Being mad flows like the river Nile to protect or defend. Everyone in marriage faces it, which is not only a very normal human experience, but also a normal part of marriage. How will you address it when it comes up?
Take Responsibility
Whoever has the angry flare up, that person must own it! It’s your feeling that is coming up within you based on what you believe about the situation. The tendency for each person is to blame their spouse and assign responsibility to them. The antidote is to take stock in how you are feeling and address it within yourself first.
Give Consideration
Blaming for sure is a recipe for more negativity and belief that you are not responsible for your feelings and inner world. At some point, you must consider your own feelings and the reason for the emotion. The outward source may have been your spouse’s behavior or words whether great or minor. The inward source is your captivating thoughts of how you were wronged or what you believe you need to defend. So, your response is part of the equation as well. Some would say, the most important part. Most times, what you decide to do with the signals coming toward you is the only thing you can control. Considerate it first.
Share Patiently
After owning your feeling of anger or annoyance, you view the primary inward source, and then move out with patience to share your inner world with your spouse. When you communicate your feelings with your spouse, your emotions release valve is opened. This can give way to more honest connections. Perhaps, you share with your spouse that you need a cool down period before proceeding. Over time, they are able to hear your hurt and understand where you are coming from.
Of course, learning how to share annoyances and anger begins with deciding with your spouse to implement a new way of relating that includes bringing clarity and support around big feelings in your marriage.
Remargo Yancie, LPC is a licensed therapist, a mental health and relationship counselor. Central Light Counseling is founded to provide quality psychotherapy and resources to promote holistic communal care. It’s our privilege to work with leaders, influencers, and couples in their developments and journeys of life.